Ah, the Olympics. Yes, it's been 4 years since the last games - just about enough time for NBC to accomplish their own herculean feat of producing enough hours of human-interest material to keep us interested in shotput, discus, and synchronized swimming, since, of course, the ability to actually watch the sports is out of the question.
Here's an idea. Since August brings us Our Big Fat Greek Olympic Games, why not really go old school: make 'em play naked. No, really - in ancient Greece, nudity was the games' great equalizer, says one Berkeley archaeologist. It's all about democracy, see. With no clothes, there were no indications of class or status. Just perfectly tuned human forms, competing purely for one, top prize.
Frankly, I'd think even without clothing, male athletes would find some way to distinguish themselves - considering how much time they spend distinguishing themselves on such bases when fully clothed. But this is a family website, so I'll just leave it at that.
"Simple crown[s] of vegetable matter" were the prizes back then - and just for first place. Already that's more fun than just hunks of precious metals (and is bronze precious anyway?). Add to that athlete's greased with olive oil and you're halfway to a salad -- or a PETA demonstration.
So - start buying Big Macs, join 24 Hour Fitness, drive your Buicks, drink some Coke, pack your Kodak camera, don't forget your Visa, grab some argonauts and head for Greece - you have just 14 days to get ready for 16 days of pure, unadulterated American jingoism. On your marks . . . .