Here's a contribution from Phoblog roomie B. It's Jon Stewart's Commencement Address at Willam and Mary:
. . . Today is the day you enter into the real world, and I should give you a few pointers on what it is. It’s actually not that different from the environment here. The biggest difference is you will now be paying for things, and the real world is not surrounded by three-foot brick wall. And the real world is not a restoration. If you see people in the real world making bricks out of straw and water, those people are not colonial re-enactors—they are poor. Help them. . . .
It's a pretty good speech. I don't know if it's Conan-caliber, but it's good. (I shouldn't say that without rereading the Conan speech, it's been awhile). The Stewart speech is probably funnier if you are a Daily Show viewer and can imagine the delivery - since this kind of comedy surely sounds better than it reads. It definitely has its moments, however.
Just for you guys - I'll paste the text of both speechs in the comments box below, in case navigating away from Phoblog is too scary for you.